Time to Pretend
by ofpeachesandmelody
Summary: "He doesn't love you. Repeat." -Chapter 6.  Based off of the new fall promo. Mostly Clare's POV coming back to school and dealing with her issues she was able to forget over break. Lotsa EClare. Plenty of chapters to come! Please review!
1. Back to Basics

**You know the drill: I don't own Degrassi (obvi) but totes wish I was an actor on the show! **

_CLARE'S POV:_

My alarm clock seemed louder than usual as it began to beep. I wasn't used to getting up this early. The past two weeks, sleeping in at my grandma's has kind of become the "norm." Oh, how I wish I was back there. It was the perfect distraction from my perfectly terrible life.

The past two weeks I felt like I had been isolated from the world, especially Eli. We hadn't spoken since the dance. He tried to call and text me a few times, but I wasn't ready to deal with all of it yet. I needed some time apart from him. Coincidentally, the break gave my mom and dad a chance to get some space. These days, all they seemed to do was fight. They blatantly loathed each other, so Dad just kind of took off while Mom and I went to my grandma's house. Not that I was complaining, or anything. Trust me, it was a much-needed break for all of us. The fighting had become so bad I was turning in assignments late, and barely getting any sleep at all.

To be honest, I was prepared for these past two weeks to be one big mope-fest after what happened at Vegas Night. Luckily, I think I was still in such shock that I was able to completely block out any emotion I've had these past weeks. I was thankful for that. I would much rather be a sociopath than be hurting nonstop. I wasn't stupid. If I let the pain in, I'm not sure I would ever be able to let it back out.

"Clare, sweetie, first day back! I made you French toast, your favorite!" My mother called up to me as I rubbed my eyes. First day back. _Great_. I peeled back my layers of blankets and looked around me. My room was spotless except for a few tissues haplessly thrown about my floor. My new uniform sat confidently, unlike me, on my bureau. It reminded me of what I used to wear to school before I let Alli pick out some new clothes for me. This uniform felt completely different to me, though. Instead of it being a symbol of my individualism and self-assurance, it loomed as a reminder of my insignificance.

I slipped it on and smoothed out any wrinkles. This is it. I stole a quick glance at myself before exiting my bedroom and shutting the door. As I slowly tiptoed down the stairs, I let out a few deep breaths. I was trying to emotionally prepare myself for the day ahead of me, but nothing seemed to be working. I still felt uncomfortable and trapped. I turned into the kitchen and sat down at the table drearily.

"Here you go," my mother said with her best "happy face" as she placed the French toast and Maple syrup in front of me. The heat from the breakfast rose to meet my nostrils and burned them. I wasn't even hungry. I honestly felt too nervous and unhappy to eat anything.

"Mom," I started.

"Yes, Clare?"

"How would you feel about me not going to school today?" I was prepared to do anything to get out of this day.

"It's your first day back! Don't you want to see your friends? You haven't seen them in two weeks! How is Alli doing? Clare, you haven't talked to anyone at all since this break started, and now you are telling me that you don't want to see your friends? Honey, what is wrong?"

Of course she wouldn't understand. She knew I was there when Fitz stabbed at Eli, but she had absolutely no idea that I was involved. I couldn't bring myself to tell her. I hurt too much to talk about it at all, let alone reveal to her my part in it. I didn't want her to even know that I was mixed up in acts of such primal violence. Going to school again would mean seeing Eli again, which would mean talking to Eli again, which I was not prepared to do. I wasn't sure if I was still angry with him or not. I wanted to forgive him. I wanted to follow Jesus and turn the other cheek, but there was something stopping me. God didn't really seem all that important to me these days, anyway. How could I believe in something that allowed things like this to happen? First Darcy's rape, now my parent's divorce. If He was looking out for me, I was pretty damn confident my family wouldn't be this messed up.

"I'm fine, Mom." It wasn't even worth explaining to her. "Look, I'll go to school today. Forget I even said anything. Can we just leave? I'm not very hungry."

She gave me an unsure look before finally retreating. "Sure," she said picking up her car keys. This was going to be the worst day ever.

**NOTE: Thanks for reading! I know this chapter is really short, but trust me, it'll get good in the next few chapters when Clare has to deal with family issues and reuniting with Eli. Review and tell me what you wanna see happen!**


	2. PostWar

It was kind of a strange feeling looking at Degrassi post-war. Everything looked exactly the same from the outside. The building, I mean. It stood as triumphantly as ever before and almost looked majestic in the light of the low sun. For a brief moment, I forgot about all the bad stuff that was going on in my life and just took it all in.

Unfortunately, this calming illusion was promptly shattered when I actually stepped out of the car and looked around. As soon as my foot hit the pavement I knew that things were not at all like they used to be. Flurries of red and blue and khaki circled around me in a frenzy to get to the entrance. There, I could see tall security guards greeting them with metal detectors and stoic faces. I suddenly felt helpless, ready to hide and never leave the shadows. I felt like my life was spinning completely out of my control and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. It started to make me angry. It started to make me dizzy.

"Wow. Simpson wasn't kidding, eh?" Adam said from behind me. I turned to face him. _Oh, Adam. _He looked completely out of place in his red polo shirt perfectly tucked into his long pants. It was all too obvious that his mother has combed his hair in a very nerdy fashion and forced him to wear the necktie. Just like I felt, he looked so _trapped_. I couldn't help but feel especially bad for Adam in all of this. Being trapped inside of my clothes made me feel uneasy and uncomfortable. I couldn't even imagine how he must have felt all these years of being trapped inside of his own _skin_.

"I guess not," I replied, looking back towards the school.

"Well," he started, taking a deep breath, "at least I look ridiculously attractive in red," he said with a pop of his collar and a grin. I couldn't help but giggle. Adam served as some very much needed comedic relief.

When we finally got through the doors of the school (which took about 20 minutes), we were instructed to wait in the hallways for the morning announcements. I had always liked the morning announcements. They had given me a chance to forget about any sort of problem in my life and focus on something smaller. Obviously today, this was going to change. President Sav came on the monitor seated next to Holly J. They, like the rest of us were wearing blue collared shirts and identification lanyards. I glanced around at my fellow classmates. Everyone just looked so _unhappy_.

It wasn't that I didn't understand Mr. Simpson's intentions with this big renovation of the student body. Unfortunately, it was clear to everyone that his methods were restricting and ridiculous. Adolescents _need_ to be able to express individualism in order to form an identity. By restricting freedoms in this pivotal time in a person's life, the person will never be able to fully develop. Why do adults always think that they know what's best for the youth of the world, anyway? Normally, I wouldn't question someone who is older than me his or her opinion, but lately, every adult in my life seemed to have a very warped view of what was right and what was wrong.

"Good morning, Degrassi," Sav started with a sigh.

"Welcome back. I know that you are all…_eager_ to begin classes again but first, Principal Simpson has instructed Miss Sinclair and I to inform you all of the new Degrassi school rules. If any student breaks any of these rules, the consequences include immediate suspension and possible expulsion. Understand now, that there will be no second chances," Sav read from the paper in his hands.

As Sav finished speaking, Alli walked up next to me. She looked about as silly as Adam in her new uniform. Of course she had tried to Alli-fy it with a navy cardigan and a navy belt, but with no low cut top and colorful skirt, it was almost like she ceased to be _Alli_.

"Clare. I_ cannot_ deal with this outfit. How did you do it all those years? This is torture! I tried to make it semi-cute by adding the belt and the sweater, but seriously, there's really only so much you can do with a uniform!"

"Well, on the bright side," I said, "At least you didn't have to deal with changing outfits once you got to school."

"_Clare._ I am _serious_! How am I supposed to hook a rebound guy and make Drew jealous in _this_?

Of course that was the only thing on her one-track mind: boys. Thinking about Alli's love life forced me to let my own love life (or lack thereof) slip back into my conscious mind. The sharp pain of nearly losing Eli thrust itself upon my vulnerable body and throbbed. Forgiving him for everything would mean justifying it, which the logical side of my mind had a very difficult time doing. My brain shot off into a frenzy of reasons why I could accept Eli's vindictiveness. It was starting to give me a migrane. I couldn't think about it, then. I wasn't ready yet.

"On that cheery note," Holly J. chimed in, "Here are your new rules."

"One," Sav stated, "The new dress code must be followed at all times."

Holly J. looked down at her blouse before continuing, "Two: Student photo I.D.'s must be worn at all times."

"Three: No public displays of affection will be tolerated," Sav said and then looked down toward the floor.

"And four: Students will not be allowed in classrooms without supervision," Holly J. mumbled as chagrin washed across her pale face.

"This is ridiculous," I whispered to Adam, "We're living in a police state."

"Welcome to _my_ life," was all Adam could reply.

It suddenly occurred to me that Simpson wasn't the one behind all of this mayhem; it was Mrs. Torres. With this realization, I found my frustration growing by the second. Why couldn't Mr. Simpson just man up and stand up for himself; for this entire school? This was the time that we needed him most, and instead of protecting us, he was running scared. _I_ had more backbone than he did!

"Thank you, Degrassi," Sav said with a defeated smile, "And, until tomorrow, this is President Sav Bhandari, and Vice President Holly J. Sinclair, signing off."

The monitor went black and cold. As I began to walk to my first class, I turned my head to face Alli.

_Good luck, _She mouthed. I was going to need it.

**NOTE: Thanks for reading, guys! I really do appreciate the favorites. We all know what's happening next chapter: Eli! AHHHHHHHHH! How will Clare deal with seeing him again in English class for the first time since that night?**


	3. Gravity

The day decided to be extra speedy and bring me to English class sooner than I was ready for. I _really_ did not want to deal with seeing Eli right now. Eli, Eli, Eli. Why did he have to be so…so infuriating? It was almost as if he had made it his mission in life to frustrate me! All he had to do was listen to me. The war could have ended with the simple trade of a fake I.D. Unfortunately, Eli was so _thick skulled_ that he figured prolonging his fight with Fitz would solve their problems. You can't fight fire with fire. When you do, the whole world goes up in flames.

As I entered Ms. Dawes' classroom, I saw him. Of course he was already there. I took my seat as quietly as possible. Maybe if he didn't hear me, he wouldn't turn around and I wouldn't have to deal with his fantastically persuasive green eyes. I was absolutely certain that whatever he wanted from me, he was going to get. He knew the effect he had on me. Even if I wanted to ignore him, there was no way I could. There was a force around him that had no better explanation except that it was always pulling me in; like gravity.

Adam had not arrived in class yet, so there was no buffer to distract me from Eli. If only I didn't find him so utterly alluring. My infatuation with his entire personality constantly burned to know more. Why was he so interesting to me? Was it his mystery and air of danger? Or was it the fact that I saw past that "emo" exterior to the person that he really was? _Why _couldn't I stop thinking about him? Realization of my _obsession_ trickled through my consciousness like raindrops. My body suddenly felt like ice.

Immediately when I sat down, the first thing I saw was the note. _Smooth. _

At least he was creative…

_You still mad at me, Edwards? _

Um, kind of? How was I supposed to respond to that? My adoration for Eli was pretty powerful, but there was no way I was going to let him trick me into forgiving him that easily.

_Not mad. Conflicted. _I scribbled before handing the paper back to him.

_Over me? Clare, I'm flattered. _

_ Shut up, Eli. _I could feel him smirking in front of me. He thought he had this all figured out. He would just turn on his charm and let me fall back into his arms. Could he _be_ anymore smug?

_ Not until you forgive me_.

_No. _I could play hard-to-get forever if I had to. But I really wished I wouldn't have to.

_ Clare. What is it going to take for you to talk to me? _

_ Promise me something, _I finally managed to write.

_ Fine, Clare. I'll marry you. But I want an outdoor wedding. And I want irises at every table and doves to fly out of the wedding cake at the exact moment we say, "I do." _

_ Eli. _

_. Okay, what?_

_ You have to do whatever I say from now on until the end of eternity. _

_ Done. _He handed the paper back almost instantaneously. That seemed _way_ too easy.

_Fine, then. But there's no backing out now, you know. I have it in writing. _

Eli turned back to face me with that beautiful smirk he knew I loved most. And boy, was it beautiful. I caught myself staring at him, not saying anything, but decided that he wouldn't mind all that much. After all, we hadn't seen each other for two whole weeks. Two weeks without Eli, in hindsight, now felt like an eternity. Why couldn't class just be over already? Then we could talk, or kiss, or kiss, or kiss…

Now I knew how Alli felt all the time. Once I started kissing Eli, I was immediately addicted. He was just so breathtaking. Everything he did made me want him more and more. His hair, his eyes, his clothes, his voice. Oh my god, his _voice_. It was the perfect blend of smooth and raspy. I loved just listening to him talk to me. Especially when he said my name. _Clare._ It sounded so much more beautiful when it came out of his perfect lips. _Clare, Clare, Clare._

"Clare," Ms. Dawes called to me. I immediately looked up at her with confusion. The whole class was turned towards me, now. _Well, this is embarrassing. _

"Um, yes Ms. Dawes?" I asked, trying to act like I had a clue what was going on.

"What are your opinions on Holden Caufield?" Oh, Catcher in the Rye. Easy.

"Well, he's a loner. And, I think if he allowed people to see the real him every once in a while, he might be better off. Holden thinks that he's so much smarter than the rest of the world, but in his own self-righteousness, shuts the world out."

"And how do you think this affects him?" Ms. Dawes questioned.

"I think that if Holden let people into his life, he would realize that he needs people. People who can help him sort through some of the emotions he still has after losing his little brother."

"Interesting opinion, Clare. Anyone else have a rebuttal?"

Of course Eli raised his hand instantly. Even if he didn't have a difference in opinion from my own, I knew that he liked to argue with me and tell me why I was wrong. He just _loved_ to push my buttons.

"Yes, Mr. Goldsworthy?"

"Although Clare makes a _semi-_valid point," he stated with a smirk, "I think that it is entirely inaccurate."

"Interesting," Ms. Dawes commented, "continue."

"Well, everything wrong in Holden's life has to do with other people. His parents, his teachers, everyone is always criticizing him and bringing him down. Why would he want to subject himself to even more criticism and risk getting hurt more by letting people in? That's just stupid." Did he just call me stupid?

"What about Phoebe?" I asked him.

"Phoebe doesn't count," he replied coolly.

"Of course she does! Phoebe is the one-"

"Alright, alright," Ms. Dawes intervened. "Settle down Clare. Unfortunately, it seems that we have run out of time for today. Students, we will continue this discussion next class. Good work everyone." Well, _that_ was embarrassing. I hate getting cut off by teachers when I'm in the middle of a thought. Now it looked like my argument was weak and I was unprepared. Stupid Eli.

He was already standing by the time I had gathered my books. His grin stretched across his face when he noticed how peeved I was at him.

"So, what are we doing today, Phoebe? Public embarrassment seems to be becoming your _thing_."

"Well, _Holden, _since you agreed to do _whatever _I say forever and always, I figured why not give you a chance to embarrass yourself today? It's really only fair. I mean, why should I get to have all the fun?"

"What'd you have in mind?"

"Oh…you'll see." No one makes me look like a fool in English class and gets away with it…

"Well, Phoebs, unless your plan includes you getting your driver's license, you're going to have to tell me where we're going at least."

"Oh don't worry, Eli. Where we're going is within walking distance. Well, skipping distance for you."

"You're kidding me," he said as his huge smirk faded away.

"Have you ever heard of a little movie called _The Wizard of Oz_, Eli?" I said with a raise of my eyebrows.

"Clare."

"I thought you didn't care what people thought of you. Or did you lie to me? Now, I expect skipping. And singing. All the way to the park." I placed my fist on my hip and waited for him to link arms with me.

He sighed before saying, "And once we get to the park?"

"That's for me to know, and for you to find out, Scarecrow."

"Wait. Why am I the scarecrow?"

I let out a breath and then replied, "If you only had a brain…"

"Ha. Ha. Ha," he mocked.

"I'm serious. Now lets go."

Eli interlocked his arm with mine and I couldn't help but smile a little at his touch. He turned his head to face me and gave me a look that said, _lets do this, then. _

We skipped all the way to the park giggling and singing, "We're off to see the wizard…" Just being with Eli made me forget any sort of trouble that was going on at home. He made me feel so free when I was with him. It was hard to believe I had even allowed myself to give him up for two weeks. It was even more chilling to think that I had gone 16 years of my life without him. It was plain, even to me, that my infatuation was slowly becoming full-out love. I had let myself fall deeper into his gravity, and soon, I knew there would be no going back. Because there was going to come a point where, like it or not, I wouldn't be able to live without him. Who was I trying to kid, anyway? I _already _couldn't live without him. Damn it Eli.

**NOTE: For some reason I had a lot of trouble with this chapter, so let me know what you think! I appreciate all the reviews and favorites! **


	4. Perfect Fit

We arrived at the park, arm in arm, looking like absolute fools. I didn't mind, though. When I was with Eli, the rest of the world's opinion never seemed to matter much to me. We fell down under the big tree on the side of the park, still out of breath from all the laughing we had done. The branches dipped so low that leaves brushed the side of my cheek. The wind was perfect. Everything was perfect.

"What now, boss lady?" Eli said breathlessly. I hadn't realized it before, but I had to say, Eli was _working_ the new Degrassi uniform. Red really was his color.

"Now, nothing," I replied confidently, "Now, we just lay here."

"You are so_ boring _Saint Clare! Where is the _intrigue_?" First of all, where in God's name did he hear that nickname? I thought I was rid of that with my new image (lack of Catholic schoolgirl uniform and glasses, haircut, etc.). Second, _boring_?

"Oh, well I'm sorry we can't all be _ingénues_ like Clara Edwin. If you'd like me to become a prostitute, just say the word, and this little ring on my finger is gone. Anything to escape the pitiful fate of being _boring_," I teased.

"You know I'm only kidding. You could never be boring." Good answer.

Eli slowly leaned in to kiss me. I loved his kisses. They were so...sigh-worthy. When Eli kissed me, I felt important. I felt like I ruled the world and nothing could hurt me because I was in control. I loved that feeling. It was so different than kissing K.C. With K.C., kisses had been awkward and made me feel inadequate. I never felt like I was doing anything right with him. He always seemed to find a way to make me feel like I didn't understand him, and never would. With Eli, though, kissing allowed me to get to know him better. I felt his vulnerabilities; I felt his strengths. Better than either of those things, though, I felt his _passion_. Unlike with K.C., with Eli, I felt _loved_.

His hands slowly began to wrap around my waist, tighter than ever before, and little shocks went through my spine to the tips of my toes. I deepened the kiss, hoping I could make it last forever. I think if this moment lasted until my very last breath, I would die a happy girl. I started wondering if anything could ever feel this real forever. My ring started to feel unbelievably heavy on my finger all of the sudden.

"Stop," I forced myself to spit out. God, I _really_ wanted to keep kissing him. He didn't say anything, just raised his eyebrows at me in confusion.

"It's just that, if I keep kissing you, I don't…I just don't trust myself to make the right decision. You know?" I was so embarrassed that I stole this moment from the both of us.

"Trust me," he said with a smile, "I know." He began nodding his head and used his perfect green eyes to look straight at me. "But, just to be clear, what exactly is the right decision?" His face lit up with a suggestive smirk.

"I'm not having sex until I'm married. It's just a Christian thing. I don't know, after what happened to my sister, I've realized that my virginity is just like this really important thing. I think that it's important to wait for the right person. Which is obviously only the person that you marry."

Eli looked towards the grass beneath us. His smirk had faded and now he just looked embarrassed. _Oh. No._

"Eli…do you have something you want to…um, tell me?" I wasn't sure if I really wanted to hear his answer. That's a lie. I didn't want to hear his answer one little bit.

"Well, you know how people judge you for being Christian, Clare?"

"Yes…"

"I, uh, I just don't want you to judge me for anything," he said nervously.

"I am not judging. This is a judge-free zone. Whatever it is, you can tell me, Eli. I think we've kind already been through the worst as far as secrets go." Images from his hearse that day he told me about Julia flashed back into my mind. I knew what was coming, anyway.

"Okay. Well you see, the thing is…I didn't…wait."

I know I promised no judgment or whatever, but this was kind of difficult to deal with. This new, tiny bit of information opened up so many new questions that burned on the tip of my tongue. Questions ranging from, 'have you been tested for STD's?' to, 'WHY?' I hated imagining Eli being one of the many teenage statistics of kids that have sex in high school. Why Eli? _My_ Eli? The more I thought about it, the angrier I became. The sadder I became. I mean, was God okay with me dating someone who was…impure? I _knew_ it wasn't okay for me to marry someone like that. Oh, _God_! This kind of complicated everything. I didn't want to admit it, but right there, Eli changed before my eyes. He wasn't Eli anymore and suddenly, and I wasn't sure if I would ever be able to see him in the same light again.

"Clare? Clare, please say something." His eyes were pleading for an answer. Suddenly, my thought process shifted again.

This was _stupid_! Eli was Eli, and I was Clare, and that was all there was to it. It took a bit of convincing, but I was finally able to realize that the Eli that sat next to me now was the same Eli that I had met months ago. He shouldn't have to cower in fear of something that happened before he met me. Just because I believed in abstinence, didn't mean that he had to have the exact same belief system as me.

"It's okay, Eli, really," I said.

"Really? So you're okay with this?" He looked so hopeful, so happy.

I took a deep breath and exhaled. "I am okay with this." I smiled back at him. He really was beautiful.

"Now, back to something more important," I began, "how are we going to spend the rest of this beautiful afternoon?" Every afternoon spent with Eli was beautiful.

"We could go to your house?" he suggested.

"My house? My house is a little…" Awful? Broken? Empty without my father?

"My house it is," he finished for me. Thank you.

When we got to Eli's house, he opened the door for me and hung up his jacket over the banister. I had seen his house from the outside before, but the inside was so much different than I expected. The walls were painted a classic shade of light yellow, and picture frames lined the narrow hallway towards the kitchen. Most of them were of natural, earthly things like leaves and mountains. I did manage to find one of Eli, though. He looked about ten years old. His big crooked smile (minus a few teeth) beamed through the photograph. He was just as adorable then as he is now. Except now he was handsome…and sexy. It was a little perplexing to see Eli before he started looking all dark and mysterious. In the photo, his hair was a lighter shade of brown and cut much shorter than it was now. He was dressed in a blue and white striped shirt and had on chestnut brown cargo shorts. I loved seeing Eli in colors.

"Enjoying the view?" Eli said as he crept up behind me.

"Oh, sorry. I didn't realize I was staring," I said awkwardly.

"It's understandable. I was one sharp looking kid, if I do say so myself."

"Your incredible _modesty _never ceases to amaze me, Mr. Goldsworthy.

"That's what they tell me," he said with a smile. "Alright, now. Let's go."

"And where exactly would we be going?" I said with a cock of my head and bounce of my curls.

"Just upstairs. Come on." With that, he was already sprinting up the long carpeted staircase to his bedroom. His _bedroom_. Did we not discuss this earlier?

As I walked down the upstairs hallway to his room, I started to say, "Eli, I don't know if I should really be—" Unfortunately, stepping through the door of his actual _bedroom _shut me right up. It was pretty much how I expected it to be. I mean, it wasn't painted all black with skulls and crossbones everywhere, but it wasn't exactly Barbie's dream house, either.

The room was a bright red color with a small black bed against the far wall. On another wall, he had his CD's. Shelves and shelves of Dead Hand and Alexisonfire and Avenged Sevenfold stretched on forever. He had one large window the overlooked the street. Across his bed was a small iPod that seemed to still be blasting music from it. I smiled to myself a little when I noticed the small little ear buds that were plugged into it. It was flattering to know that I got to hold his good pair of headphones hostage.

There was something very thrilling about being inside Eli's bedroom. The actual _room_ where he actually _slept_ each night. It made me feel so much closer to him. I just wanted to touch everything and take everything back home with me. Especially one of his jackets. They always smelled like him. They reminded me of him, and having one of his jackets would come especially in handy if things got worse with my parents. I wanted a jacket to remind me of him. I wanted to have anything and everything that reminded me of him.

Eli lay down on his bed and crossed his legs. I wanted so _badly_ just to lie down beside him and fall asleep in his arms. His beautiful, warm arms. I knew my boundaries, though. If I let myself get too carried away, bad things could happen; would happen. I wasn't about to throw all of my morals out the window for this.

"Eli, I have to go. It's getting kind of late. My mom is probably wondering where I am. Thanks for today, though. It was really great." Why couldn't I just stay?

"Yeah. Yeah it was pretty great, huh?" He asked with a smile.

I nodded back in reply.

"Do you need a ride home? I can drive you home if you want."

"No," I said in my most innocent voice, "I can just walk home." I wasn't leaving here without that jacket.

"Are you sure, Clare? It really wouldn't be any trouble to drive you. It's not like I have anywhere else to be." Don't be difficult.

"Of course I'm sure. It's just a little cold out and—"

"Then, let me drive you home."

"I am fine walking, I just forgot to bring a sweater—"

"It's cold out…you have no sweater…why can't I drive you?"

"Damn it, Eli just give me your jacket already!" I blurted.

He smirked said through giggles, "You want my _jacket_?"

"Yes, Eli. I want your jacket."

"Take it," he said as he tossed me one of his many black coats. "_Now _can I give you a ride home?" That was easy.

I smiled at him and nodded.

"Your chariot awaits." He motioned elaborately with one arm towards the door and followed me out of his bedroom. I hastily put on the jacket. It was a perfect fit.

**NOTE: I am feeling exponentially better about this chapter! It just _feels_ better to me, you know? Well, anyways, you know what to do! Keep reviewing please, and thank you to all my fabulous readers!**


	5. Losing My Religion

I hated the fact that it was difficult to remember a time when I enjoyed being home. A time when home was a sanctuary away from all the dramas of high school. I used to inhale the sweet air of my home with a smile and a hint of nostalgia from my childhood. It used to smell so _inviting_. Now, it just smelled like soot and failure.

"You know, you don't have to be so absolutely _infantile,_ Randall!" Great. Dad was home. And they were fighting. Again.

"Infantile? You want to talk about being infantile, Helen? Then explain to me why you care more about church fundraisers and frivolous brunches than being with your own family; _working_ on our relationship!"

"You _know_ that's not true. You are twisting everything I do around and trying to make it seem like I'm the damn _bad guy_ in this whole mess!"

"Oh, just shut the _fuck_ up, Helen. You know, your vanity never ceases to amaze me. _Maybe, _just, _maybe, _this isn't about you!" He paused for a moment. "Look, I just can't be here right now." Heavy footsteps approached me at the door. My dad looked at me unapologetically, and left the house, slamming the door behind him.

"Randall! Randall, come _back_ here!"

I didn't say anything. I was sick of getting involved. It was almost as if, without Darcy, they had nothing else to do but fight. With no family _ordeal _to distract them, this is how they filled up their free time. God, I hoped to never be like that. They were just so angry all the time. My stomach lurched from inside of me. I hated thinking about my parents' problems.

Instead, I thought about something more alluring.

_Eli._

Elijah Goldsworthy.

Elijah…insert middle name here…Goldsworthy.

Did he have a middle name? I bet it was beautiful just like his other two names. My mind ached to know more about him. I wanted, needed to obsess over every detail that composed him, starting from his artificially deep brown hair to his sharpie-painted black nails. _Why_ did he have to be so captivating? He somehow had managed to become the perfect escape from all of my problems.

I tiptoed upstairs to my bedroom, praying the floorboards wouldn't creak. Maybe if my mother didn't hear me, she wouldn't realize I was home and wouldn't try to talk to me. I couldn't stand discussing our family issues with her. As much as I wanted answers, I was pretty damn sure that our little family didn't have much more time. The fact that they were dragging out their inevitable split just seemed downright cruel to me. _Whatever. WhateverWhateverWhatever. _

I turned on my iPod and blasted some Alexisonfire. It turned out to be just the right medicine for a time like this. I listened to song after song after song, slowly letting my conscious mind pour out of me and my entire body went numb. I liked being numb. I liked anything that helped me escape the pain of my pathetic family life. When the music finally stopped, I placed Eli's big headphones around my neck and started chewing my bottom lip. Now, I needed a new distraction. _Great. What now? _I tuned to my computer and decided to see if Eli was on IM.

_clare-e23 is now online. _

_**eli-gold49:**__ miss me, edwards?_

_**clare-e23: **__can't live without you. _But…actually.

_**eli-gold49: **__completely logical. _

_**clare-e23: **__so here's the deal. I need a distraction, and tonight, you are my muse of choice. distract me. on your mark, get set, go!_

_**eli-gold49: **__distractions, eh? hmmm…I think I might have one. and it's pretty damn good, if I do say so myself. ;)_

_**clare-e23: **__eli…_

_**eli-gold49: **__yes, dear? _I could practically hear his mock innocence in his voice.

_**clare-e23: **__you know what I'm going to say. how about we try a distraction that allows us to keep our clothes _on, _shall we?_

_**eli-gold49: **__why, clare! I am shocked! such impure thoughts from such a chaste girl! I was merely going to suggest a movie night._

_**clare-e23: **__oh, shut up, eli. _

_**eli-gold49:**__ ;). I have an even better idea. _

_**clare-e23: **__I'm waiting…_

_ eli-gold49 is now offline._

What was he talking about? As much as I adored his Eli antics, I would have liked to be clued in a little bit. Ten minutes later he was on my balcony. Firstly, I was so scared when I first saw him standing there that I almost leaped out of my own skin. And yes, I _did_ have a balcony. Granted, it didn't exactly have a door, so whenever I want out there, I would have to crawl through the window, but, you give and you take, I guess.

Believe it or not, Eli's pale complexion was even more handsome in the moonlight. The haze of light coming from above him bounced of his skin and radiated from within him. _God was he perfect._ His hand lifted to the window and tapped on it three times. When I was finally able to open it, he simply smirked and said, "Come on, then."

"Where are we going?" I asked incredulously.

"Adventure."

"I asked for a _distraction_, not an adventure, Eli."

"You're the boss," he said before leaning in and kissing me. It made my cheeks glow red and my whole body crave more. All I wanted was to keep kissing him. His full lips were basically the definition of "kissable." I must have been the luckiest girl alive to get to kiss him whenever I wanted. And yet, I found myself wanting to do more than just kiss him. I wanted to lunge forward and pull him through to my room. My bed, to be specific. His warmth seemed like enough to burst my bedroom into flames. I loved this. I loved him. There was absolutely no emotion that could surpass the high I felt when I kissed Eli. It felt like love, but I didn't know for sure. I had never been in love before. Maybe this wasn't love. I didn't care, though. Love ruined everything, anyway. Well, marriage ruined everything. Wrong again, it was fucking _Christianity_.

_Fuck purity rings. _If my own parents couldn't work out their problems, what was the point? Seriously. What was the _point_ of religion, anyway? Was it created to make life easier, more bearable? It certainly was not doing so for the Edwards family. If anything, it just caused more problems for us. It made Darcy feel like she was a bad person for being raped. It trapped my own parents in a loveless marriage. Most importantly, though, it prohibited me from doing what I wanted to do most. I _wanted_ Eli. I wanted him more than anything else in the entire world. Why wouldn't God want me to be happy? Why was He doing this to me?

"Clare," Eli broke away from me. He could tell something was wrong. I raised my eyebrows and looked at him.

"What's wrong?" He asked.

"Nothing," I lied. He didn't need to know about my moral dilemma. He was probably sick of me being such a prude, anyway.

"You sure?" It was so cute that he was so clearly worried about me. It made me feel special.

"Definitely," I said, pulling him back towards me. "Want to come inside, Romeo? It must be getting a little chilly out there." I wanted him in my room. _So. Fucking. Badly. _Without an answer, he began climbing in through the window. _Success._

**NOTE: Hey guys! Long time, no see! I've been here, lurking around creepily, just lost my inspiration to write for a few days. It's probably due to the fact that I've been reading "All the Pretty Horses" for summer reading. Could someone call up Mr. Cormac McCarthy and tell him that his story lacks proper punctuation? Apparently it gets good soon. Oh, right. Eclare. So I KNOW that the fluff has been raging in my story so far, but don't worry, my friends. The drama is about to hit next chaptah. Hard. Get pumped. Also, I added that balcony bit because I actually have that balcony off of my bedroom, and it is so annoying! Who puts in a balcony with no door? Srsly, man. **

**Reviews are the best! **


	6. Forever

So, I know it might be cliché and all, but the idea of a boy, _this boy_ in my bedroom made me feel like a damsel in distress. My life was the tower and I had been locked away for far too long. Now that my prince had finally arrived, I was ready for him. I was ready to be with him.

I began to see the future—my future—with Eli. It was perfect in my mind. I saw every detail of our lives together. I could clearly see forever in my indistinct vision. It began with this night, this first night together. Our relationship would be permanently sealed with this act of passion and love.

It was all becoming very lucid to me: _this_ was the beginning of forever.

It was difficult to articulate just how much I loved Eli.

Yes, _love_.

Not a word I threw around freely, but for Eli, I could make an exception. I loved everything about him, every little detail. His smile was so refreshing to me that I could never seem to halt the short intake of breath I let in when he flashed his gorgeous teeth in my direction.

God, I think he was _perfect_.

He sat down on my bed, and gazed around my room.

My _baby blue_ room.

My _deplorable_ baby blue room.

Immediately I felt my cheeks rouge. I should have been more prepared for this! I should have _known_ that this inevitable onset of embarrassment was just waiting to emerge. But of course, I never thought through things when it came to Eli. I may as well have been completely brain dead when I was around him.

To be honest, my room was downright pathetic looking. If I had been a _normal_ teenager, I would have already rearranged the furniture in my bedroom. I would have hung up posters on the walls, and filled my room with photographs of the new me.

Obviously I was still living in 1999, because my bedroom looked like a five-year-old's.

The room reflected the person I used to be quite well, actually. The walls were a light blue color with sheer white curtains that fell from the ceiling framing my window.

I had a shelf filled with only stuffed animals, and a bookcase with Fortnight books and fake flowers.

My room was more or less _cute._

Normally I wouldn't care about my obvious lack of style and "teen-ness," but tonight, I didn't want to be cute. I didn't want to be 'Saint Clare' either. I wanted to be _damn sexy_.

"So," I began raising my eyebrows for emphasis, "what do you think?"

"I think you live in the 'My Little Pony' stable," Eli said with a laugh, "but I also think that you are the most adorable human being I have ever met."

Adorable.

That's the same fucking thing as_ cute_. Great.

I decided to step things up. His eyes were distracting me again. Why was he always so distracting?

I sat down next to him on my bed and reached for his face.

He smirked a little and stared at me. _So distracting…_

Slowly, I leaned in to kiss him, batting my eyelashes the whole time. He didn't protest, and I began gaining confidence fast.

That's the thing about kissing someone. The longer you kiss them, the more confident you become. All the second-guesses flutter away, and you're left with only bliss_._

I leaned forward a little more, pressing him down on my mattress. I loved this. I loved him. There were no other thoughts in my mind other than my mission. _The_ mission. All I could see were images of Eli and I together and how perfect it would be.

_Simply immaculate._

My hasty mind was racing much faster than my body could keep up with, and before I knew it, I found myself attempting to close that burdening gap.

I was becoming tenacious, and he knew it. He was playing with my hair while we kissed, twirling the soft curls in and out of his fingers. I felt so at peace with him. I wanted to give him everything. I would give away everything I had to him if only I could keep having moments like these.

Beautiful moments.

Breathtaking moments.

Intent on making the first night of forever count, I sat up and started to take off my shirt, trying to look sexy.

Why did I wear a button-down today? Jesus! The buttons were impossible to get undone! Had this thoughtless process always been this difficult? _Hurry up, buttons, hurry up!_

My internal monologue was broken by a voice. _His voice._

"Clare."

"M-hm?" I hummed, still fumbling with my blouse, trying not to waste any more time than I already had. _Hurry hurry hurry!_

"Clare, stop."

"Seriously, Eli, I've got this. I can do it. I'm really sorry it's taking so long. It's only going to be one more second—"

"Clare!" He cut me off, much more forcefully than before.

I turned my head to face him, this time. _What?_ I tilted my head to the side a little and gave him a quizzical look.

"We're not doing this," he stated. His eyes had become hard. They weren't so distracting anymore. In fact, they almost scared me a little.

Eli had sat up by now and was rubbing his hands together uncomfortably. Why was he so distressed?

"What's wrong?" I asked him.

My mind was drawing blanks. Where was the issue? We were in love, I was willing, and he was here. I couldn't see anything wrong with our circumstances, so why did he insist on halting our progress? Our forever?

"I'm not going to have sex with you." _Ever_? What was this crap? I was dumbfounded. Utter disbelief.

"Are you kidding?" I was _willing_. I was ready. Why the hell could this not happen? There was not one conceivable reason I could think of that was stopping him right now.

Eli shook his head back and forth and I watched his shaggy ink colored hair brush past his forehead. His eyes were still hard and uninviting, like they had been when he was hiding his secret about Julia from me. But this time, I could tell something was different. He still looked deeply conflicted, but now there was no apology. There were only muted undertones of struggle and hostility.

The horrific truth of the situation came flying at me full speed.

Eli didn't _want me_.

Not like I wanted him, at least. Not like how I wanted to make him mine forever. He didn't want this perfect future I had prematurely planned. Nor did he even want me for himself in the present.

It was _me_ that he was refusing.

The words that scattered throughout my brain began to form sentences. My mind read them to me, these taunting sentences that only furthered my state of shock.

_He doesn't love you. _

_He hates you. _

_He wants someone else. _

_He doesn't love you. _

_You love him. _

_You tried… _

_And failed. _

_You lose._

_He doesn't love you. _

_He doesn't love you. _

_He doesn't love you. _

The sentence started to repeat itself over and over again, like a terrible merry-go-round that refused to stop torturing me until I broke.

_He doesn't love you._ Repeat.

_He doesn't love you._ Repeat.

_He doesn't love you._ Repeat.

By the time I allowed the words to take me over, I didn't just break.

I fucking _snapped_.

"Get out," I said firmly.

His brow furrowed. "What?"

"Eli. Get out." I was angry now. So angry. Who was he to take this away from me? Who was _he_ to play with my emotions all this time, if he was just going to break it off before things got too serious? He was an awful human being. How could I love such a sadist?

"Clare, I don't—"

"Shut up," I cut him off. The words felt like vinegar leaving my tongue, but my whole body felt terrible anyway, so who even cared? "Leave, okay? Just go."

"Wait, Clare, listen to—"

"_Listen_?" I spat. "No, you listen. This," I said, pointing between us, "is done. Now get out of my _fucking_ house, Eli."

He was awestruck. I had never cursed out loud before, especially in front of him. There was nothing to say; nothing to reconcile the fact that he didn't have the same emotions for me that I had for him. They were two different loves, his and mine; far too different for us to stand a chance. Why did I even bother?

He sighed and stood up. He walked over to the window before looking back at me. This time, I was the one to deliver the heartless expression. I shot him a look of pure enmity. With that, he tuned to the window, and climbed out, without so much as a goodbye. I preferred his exit without a farewell. It made this whole experience just a little less painful.

And with that, he was gone.

I lay back on my bed, looking up at the stars painted on my ceiling. They began to move and dance and play. Freely, they shot across the night sky, emotionless and ignorant. How I wished to be a star. A meaningless, dime-a-dozen star.

Oh, God, I already was that.

As the night continued, the implications of my fight with Eli started to sink into my conscious stream of thought. What hurt the most about this night wasn't the obvious and harsh rejection. It was the finality of our forever. Our love was over before it even began; it had never even stood a chance.

The anger and hurt and sadness that consumed me all rolled into one general and terrifying emotion that made my blood boil and my hair stand on edge. I needed to get out of here. I needed to run for a little bit ad escape all my problems. Staying in this house would be _torture_. What I needed was an escape.

And where does one go when her life is too messed up to fix? Where she can forget all of her problems and become numb?

Well, I could only think of one place. I grabbed my sweater, and headed for the window.

As I swung my leg over to the balcony, I carefully tossed my feelings for Eli back in my bedroom where they couldn't hurt me.

_Not tonight._

**NOTE: I think you all know where our beloved Saint Clare is going. Questions? Comments? Concerns? Reviewreviewreview. **


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